He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
