Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just sucked dick on a ferry
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
