what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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