no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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