Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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