Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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