Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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