ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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