I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
