There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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