Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Sober January is a disaster.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
