Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
