Betty ford says i'm here all night
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
