you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
