i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
3pm strippers are depressing
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
