How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
