listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
