I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
did i walk over a car last night?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
