I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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