i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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