i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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