i was born a porn star she said
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
