just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
