if i can run in heels then i can drive
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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