Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
The uberlube is also flammable
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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