I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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