I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
