I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
