He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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