i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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