I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
