we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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