I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
