the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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