dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
