Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
