Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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