Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
