I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
