i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
