oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I forgot how hot balto sounded
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
