I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
