dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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