Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
