I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
