The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
