Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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