A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
