hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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