I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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