i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
