Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
