he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
