i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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