lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
