I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
