the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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