I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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