Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
