he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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