I faked an abortion last night.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Randomize
